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Ou Est...Je Suis...

"ou est...je suis..." in english basically means "where is...i am...", which pretty much sums it up.
Jul 05
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here comes the wall. there’s no avoiding it. there’s no telling if it’s you moving toward it or it moving toward you or what it might be that might be compelling you toward it or it toward you as the case me be either way or the other. it’s so long and flat and obstructing. it eliminates. such simple beauty. zero options. clarity. focus. from the second it comes into view until contact there is nothing to worry about. go until you can’t and when you can’t go, don’t. and worrying is as much nonsense. the only issue ever is the angle of approach. obtuse is acute is straight on. none are better or worse than the others. only different. which is worse, losing an arm or a leg? all answers are wrong thus making the right one simple to deduce. the people under the stairs grab ankles just to spook us as we descend into the depths of the darkness for wine and cheese and partial parties with people who don’t particularly please anyone but themselves. all of them all of the time. no sense in trying to delay any of it or all of it though many try in vain. it’s comical and everyone knows it. even the ones that are trying and not laughing along with the rest of us. fingers crossed there will be a blanket and a pillow and a bed and someone there to tuck us in when we finally hit.

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Dec 31
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no lulls. false senses are for bad psychics and psilocybin addicts. the moon is still hanging in the sky doing it’s thing. the waves keep crashing. buoys sway like giant metronomes for improv jazz pianists. i hope you’re a gambling man with some sort of grasp pf statistics and probabilities cuz you’re gonna have to let this one ride. hope is alive and clawing its way up the well wall. keeping a good man down is easy. it’s the bad men you should be worried about. keep your eye so close they can feel the juice. let them know you’re present. let them know your present is attending to awareness of the existence and acceptance of the game, and a solid wager. deep breaths. hand on pistol grip. have you tried the trigger? whip crack! they’re off and running and among other things it’s only a matter of time before it all comes down to the last second that may or may not be counted exactly on time or exactly in your favor. but fear not. when it all rolls over we’ll be upside down together forever. forever and ever amen. 

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Dec 29
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slowed to inaudible humming. you can almost feel it. if you put your ear up to it it will shake your ear bones just enough to make you pull your head away and immediately go about sticking your finger in your ear and ringing it about. tickles anyone? i got a club. when used properly it doesn’t tickle. short, squat, dull is that it’s there. it’s moving and shaking whether you can tell or not. and that in itself, the no one being able to tell, is as much a part of it as it is in the first place. get it? grab it, good. hold on loosely. you got the words all wrong. the ship is still taking off but it’s not going where you thought. read the liner notes. but don’t worry, half the people hanging around here thought the same thing as you. which is why they’re here like you. so at least you won’t be alone in the physical sense of the word. and then in that instant when no one is collectively paying attention but save for one, it goes. whoop! bang! pop and pow! look, i’m sailing! just consider yourself lucky to have been there when it happened and in good standing and if you can keep your grip ‘til the ride is over…who knows? no seriously, give me a show of hands here.  

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Dec 03
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all good things to those who wait. yeah, heard that one before. been there, done that. how about some get up and guh-guh-guh go!? a few more means and not so many ends would be a nice start. metal, meet pedal. nose, please shake hands with grindstone. elbow, this is grease. a little round robin and voila! you guys are all gonna be great friends i think. so then, lets get going here. lets make things happen. lets go out and push buttons and turn gears and get this town lit up and painted red and the show going on. prepped, ready, and waiting. just say the word. who is it that is saying the word again? oh, uh, right. okay then, standing by. but uhm, yeah, any chance you might know when that will be? the good things are coming aren’t they? maybe our definitions of good need to be redefined or like, introduced so they can get together and talk it out and come to terms with their differences and stuff like that. cuz really, what you’re saying to me doesn’t sound all that good. it sounds more like more work. no, i get it “the joy of work” but like, i was thinking like maybe something a little more tangible might be nice. i mean, i got the guys together and told them…okay you’re right, i shouldn’t have made promises without knowing the facts but seriously, you’re going to tell me that the big pay-off for hard work is more hard work? what is it that you do? is that hard? no? did you have to work hard to get there? oh, you’re cousin, i see. how do you spell inconsistent? well then, ready when you are. oh uhm, when do we eat?  

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Dec 02
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thought you had it there didn’t you. thought you were home free. but from the looks of it you seem to have miscalculated. and now you’re sitting right where you were before. pathless. no bread crumbs. no string. no map. no outline. no plan. really now, what were you thinking? yeah, go with the flow. great idea. you’ve had long enough to figure this out. you should know better. and i’m sure you do and you just thought it was gonna be different. well it’s not is it? so far so fucking stupid. no more chances for you. hey! i’m talking to you. stop day dreaming and scheming and get with the program. we’ve worked long and hard to get it all laid out for you and you keep ignoring it. look, it may not be glamorous or fun and it may not actually get you very far or even to a place where you can stop struggling and take a minute to relax and enjoy but it works. and it’s generalized and bastardized enough that it works for everybody. all you have to do is follow the instructions and conform and contort yourself into the exact same shape and mindset as everyone else and you’ll be set to go. and then you can get on with getting on like the rest of us, which, alright, sometimes isn’t really getting anywhere but really it’s better than where you’re at right now and where you were before and where you’ll be if you keep on like this. it’s for your own good you numb skull. can’t you see that? we want you to succeed. we didn’t go through all this trouble to have you fail now did we? of course not. so lose the attitude and get in line and keep your arms and legs inside and hold on and for once just do what we want so that we can get something useful out of you.     

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Nov 30
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long days. spent. calloused hand resting on an ever creasing face, creasing it even more. a chiropractor’s dream posture. glazed stinging eyes. all in the name of beating around an imaginary bush. only to arrive at the place we tell ourselves we’re trying to avoid. stagnation. somewhere between a vegetable and a legume. not worth anything to ourselves. worth probably even less to those we’re claiming to be in it for. and still guiltless. these are the days we planned to spend this way. we’ve fought kicking and screaming for these and dug in our heels and struggled against the tide and swam into the current so long and far to get here. to keep us from having to keep getting closer to the inevitable. to keep us from having to actually do what it is we think we would want to do if we were given the chance. proving it is far more terrifying than constantly having to finding ways to prove we never get the chance. work all night to find things to occupy our time and shove them in between where we are and where we keep saying we want to be. because what if we get there and it’s already all over? what if the red carpet got rolled out ages ago and trampled by the masses and now lies tattered and useless? or worse, what if it’s out and ready and waiting and the show is almost on and we get in that one last line and we make it to the front and we talk to the man but we’re not on the list but our plus one is and we’re left standing on the wrong side of a velvet rope all dress up and plenty of other places to go but our legs don’t work and we just stand there watching through the window? everyone inside sipping champagne in little skinny glasses we even bothered to learn the names of just in case we might one day have to ask for one from off the tray as the gentleman came by in the busy ballroom. and they’re having so much fun and it’s only up and onward to bigger and brighter from here. yeah, no. we wouldn’t want that. time to do the dishes and fold the laundry and sweep the floors and make the bed and re-alphabetize the books. there is a sure-fire way to never fail and thank goodness we’ve worked it all out ahead of time.    

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from up here it’s all so small. making it far too clear just how crushingly big it all is. our feeble minds get all busy trying to wrap themselves around it, and the concepts that come with it. but it’s going to be quite some time before our grey matter finally finishes cocooning it all up nice and tight and really begins to get to work on dismantling it all into nice neat organized compartments so that we can really start to look at and understand and comprehend what exactly it is it all has come to. how do you make the rivets to hold together the machine that makes the rivets that hold everything together so we can make everything? it’s such slow going in the beginning. will there ever be enough time to start over? what exactly is progress good for if all we’ve progressed to is a point where it’s too late? it seems safer to leave it up to someone else. someone that knows better and cares more and has more agile fingers for tweaking and tuning. and all of our ideas are better off when thought of and thought through by someone else. our best idea to date is to let the qualified people take over and control and the reigns and just get right down to the business of making it happen. oh yes, that was our idea. which is why we have been given the luxury of sitting still and keeping our thoughts to ourselves and staring out windows and generally not being all that concerned with just exactly how confused we are with the whole goddamn thing and waiting for a time when the world has caught up with us enough that we don’t actually have to complete our most complex and important thoughts and everyone else can just extrapolate on the concept and take care of the tiny details out there that will eventually be combined in the correct manner to make up what amounts to our great ideas.       

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Nov 23
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lil’ bugger just waltzed right out and didn’t even say goodbye. and now you’re left not only holding the bag but the bill on your foot and the pack on your back and a pocket full of kryptonite and all for what? it’s not late, nah, nah, it’s still early, early. so you just stare and hope and pray that it’ll come back and that you don’t look too stupid when it’s your turn if it hasn’t made it and maybe you can just wing it and meander and buy some time and a life and some gum and tic-tacs and head back to the hotel  and grasp and reach for a leg of hope and a teeny tiny part of your youth or something shaped at least slightly like fun instead of this. this dreadful empty lonely piece of cold that has replaced what used to be right where your thought was. but nope, never gonna happen. you’re two steps removed from too far away and getting back is just as hard as getting there. it’s not like they who came before you built a slide down the back side of the mountain. huh-uh, it’s just another winding trail through trees and vines and over rocks and streams and down crevices and wrong turns and back tracking and long nights and hot days and no shade and…look, you did this to yourself. every opportunity has been afforded at no expense even. there’s nothing else for you to do but hunker down and start paying it back even if you forgot your line.   

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Nov 19
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there’s nothing you can do to stop it even when you want to. it just keeps coming. even if you have plans. ugly head gets reared. you try not to look, you try not to make eye contact, but what if it’s not crying wolf this time? what if this time it’s really real? what if this is it? oh god just pick up the phone. what’s it gonna hurt? yeah so maybe it ruins your plans which, c’mon, lets be honest, weren’t really much of “plans” anyway right. uh-ha-ha-ha…what? oh? right. the jagged bloody is that you need this. maybe not in like life or death terms but, well maybe kinda. i mean, if you’re spirit dies cuz you never nurture it are you really alive? i mean, what makes us alive? where do we exist exactly? when do you stop being a person and start being a talking head in a jar on the table at the dinner party that like, is fully alive and functioning and shit, it just happens to be missing a body? “tom? no, tom is dead. but the head that used to belong to tom and that still answers to tom and sounds like tom when it talks and just happens to retain all of tom’s thoughts and memories and emotions is on that glass platter over there by the punch bowl talking to claire.” the last minute chaos, the struggle, the adventure, something inside you needs this. so what are you waiting for, pick up the phone, ask who it is, pretend you have to think about it before you say yes. shit, give a call back if you want. but you already know how this ends. there was no bag to begin with. the cat just sleeps on the back of the couch right by the window so the sunlight in the morning keeps it warm. feel that? yeah, it’s the flow. 

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Nov 18
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get staggered. step off you willy nilly dill pickle face pneumonia breath hog slide barf tack vermin pile anal source pound cake rip mine joke freeze plaster fire crew lips kick hire guppy lame piece hope orange towel. you have no idea what it’s like to try so so so goddamn hard all day every day to make sure that you have some concept, some clue as to what the fuck is going on and be at least kinda partially good enough at one small thing to maybe make enough of a life to fucking eat and have the things you need and maybe if you’re lucky some things you want like second hand clothes and bikes and a phone that works with a touch screen and web access and no moving parts that can break like all the other ones all of the time and also maybe enough space to spread out on the floor and not hit one goddamn wall or piece of furniture or pet or person and enough drive and follow through to finish anything you start and half the things you think to start and a bowl full of change where you can put your pennies so they don’t just sit on the goddamn desk and then fall on the floor and you have to put them in a plastic sack from the grocery store and look like fucking loser when you walk back to the store to dump them into the coin counter machine to get your $17 and then you feel like it’s free money and you’re gonna do fuck all with it and two beers and two movies from the rental store later you’re broke and bored and wishing you’d rented new releases instead of something you already saw even though you really do love them and they make you feel like you’re home and safe and not swept up in some fucking nonsense no name fantasy where some how some way you’re gonna make it one day yeah right go fly a kite and don’t step in the spilled milk or ever get the balls to say it to their fucking faces you fucking pussy. or do you have? do you have some idea? no really, i don’t know. do you?  

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